Where to begin….
I guess it all started with a message I woke up to today. Although really, it was a few weeks ago that I felt this move that God is really wanting me to share my journey. I struggle a lot with what people think of me though, it holds me back. Honestly, the people that think the most ill of me and my journey, are those that already have found my blog and they already let me know what they think of it.
“Degrading, demoralizing, and slandering people is not Biblical or Christ-like, nor does it glorify God. God is love and grace not spite and hate. Sadly, you spew judgement in one sentence and in the next praise God. I don’t believe he would agree with your actions. Thinking you are closer to God and more righteous then another is not of God; that is the way of another entity! As God is my judge, so is He yours.
Stop slandering my name and denying it. You spin the friendship we had into a tabloid like you could spill so many secrets about my life but are taking the high road and being gracious. That road goes both ways. You wouldn’t like me to post on social media or a public blog my memories or the things I saw and heard over those four years of friendship.
Right or wrong, your vendetta doesn’t stop at your intended targets; your words and actions are hurting so many others. No matter what you say or imply, my friends and family love and support me just as God loves me, unconditionally, mortal and imperfect as I am. I am not the one posting slander, spreading blaspheme, and blogging innuendoes . God gives me loved ones who truly love me, imperfect as I am, mortal as God made me. God sees me as I truly am. By God and only God am I judged.”
It can’t get much worse than that right? Sadly, I never intended my blog to hurt others. This whole message is just confusing to me, none of it makes sense for the purpose of my writing. But I have to remember who this is from. And if guilt is where there heart is and they refuse to feel remorse, accusation is another route to take.
“I love reading your posts….. you are one of my all time heroes 🙂 Thank you for being an amazing example of a survivor… it taught me how to get through”
This was the message I woke up to today from an old high school classmate. No I am not calling us old!!! Not even a close friend from high school. Someone that I believe God connected to my story…. why, I don’t know. Maybe for him, maybe for me. How he found my blog is unbeknownst to me, although it doesn’t shock me since God is in control of this. Nothing really shocks me anymore. I do still get chills, butterflies in the stomach, and a complete light feeling in my feet though when I see his work making so much good and I know I get to be apart of it. It amazes me sometimes how God orchestrates such a complicated web of events prepared to save everyone. EVERYONE! He doesn’t pick who…. he wants us all, and yes, that includes the followers I have that think ill of me.
I proceeded to wake up and get going with my morning. Took the whining puppy outside, read my daily devotion, prayed, bible time, and my workout. Before I picked up my devotion I asked God to open my heart to his plan for the day. I know I’m supposed to share this blog. I know I am supposed to step outside of my comfort zone. But I am still looking for a way out. I’m worried about me and what people will think regarding it. I fear it will be perceived as an attack against my husband and his girlfriends. I am not judging their actions. I am concerned for them. I pray for them. I am choosing to continue to love them. But yes, I am still grieving and working through my feelings in my journey. So “God, if this message to share my blog to the public isn’t from you, please let me know. If it is from you…. please show me I am doing it for good. I am not judging those that have sinned… I am praying. I know my intent, I know I am not writing to hurt others, but I sway so easily when I think of that hurtful message above. I question the truth, and I need your strength if this is your desire.”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:56
From Devotions for a Deeper Life, by Oswald Chambers February 21st pg. 39 The fundamental characteristic of a life of faith is a definite breaking away of everything that ruled our sinful past, and a determined and disciplined claiming of God’s Word. The spiritual life of faith operates as unconsciously and naturally as our physical bodies, bringing us victory as a matter of course. Sin rules our conscious lives apart from God. Entire sanctification removes this “personality of sin,” upsetting the conscious life and all its human reasoning, and puts a new “saintly personality” in its place. So to speak, the power of God begins the construction of a new consciousness.
Ya, I know… Wow. When I stepped out of my norm into a life of faith, it was a breakaway of everything familiar to me. God guided me, not my anxiety, my feelings, my wants. God put me face to face with many sins in my life that I spent months delving into repenting and renouncing and turning completely away from. Sins I hadn’t realized, sins I had let affect who I was. He changed all of that for me. Sin does rule our conscious lives, we have no time to focus on God and do right when we are so consumed with the world view. I knew when I picked up my devotion it was going to be about sin…. I don’t know how I knew, but I did. I’ve known for quite some time I needed to make my blog more public. Not for me, but for others. I have gained so much out of others stories of faith. Its time I share mine. But my story, involves more than my sin. It involves sin of others… and sharing that, means I need to be prepared in every way to handle the backlash. God has been hammering me with lessons in sin lately. Lessons in supporting other Christians in sin. One fear is being accused of judging so God has given me lessons in what judging really is and the difference between judging in condemnation and judging in concernment.
Okay, so if I was hoping that my morning devotion would move me past this silly idea of sharing my blog.. it didn’t. I got my work out done, showered, and got ready for church.
I walked into church feeling pretty giddy… I felt like God was with me the entire drive in, whispering words of encouragement and peace over my car. You know that feeling you get when you know something good is going to happen, but you have no idea what? That funny, butterfly feeling in your stomach. Like everything is just right. I grabbed a bulletin and found my spot in the balcony. I was early so I spent a few minutes praying silently, asking God for some guidance. Some words to post if I announced my blog on facebook. Although at this point, I am wondering… “who else is already reading it?” I have one friend that I know reads it, and I often ask her for advice. I never want to come across as attacking, judging, or belittling. I want my writing to follow where my heart is which is seeking only love. She picks up grammatical errors but that is about it. She always says “beautiful”. Me and my stupid worldly ways, we need some kind of acknowledgement that I am doing okay even though I have continued to get it from God… go figure! That’s why it’s called a journey.
The topic of our pastors sermon “a corrupt mess” 1 Corinthians 5. Are you kidding me! A sermon on Sin, sexual sin in fact! Something Dean said that I wrote in red on my paper The purpose is to “restore” Christians to Christ, not punish them, reject them, or shun them! But also not to ignore their sin, because their sin will lead them to death. If we must, separate from them as to not fall into sin ourselves is acceptable… but pray!!! Don’t ever stop praying for them!
This is the same diagram used on a topic of sin a few months back. It was used again today. I look at this diagram and I see where I used to take my reaction to a lot of things in my life. But I see where I take it now without even consciously thinking about it… that is faith.
Healing rain was always “our song”. Not just my husband and my song, but our families song. For years it was even my ring tone when my husband called. It felt like our family… two broken families becoming one. To this day my daughter and I can’t listen to it without a flash of tears seeping from our eyes. It played at church today…. yes, very fitting. Healing rain comes for all sinners. We just have to find remorse, repent, seek forgiveness and forgive, and we will be restored in “Healing Rain.” I am proud to say that only one tear snuck out of my eye… just one. But the song confirmed everything to me. It’s time to let the healing rain fall after my storm. It’s time to help others heal from their storm.
This is no longer just my journey. This is my story, but it is my story in faith. My story in believing when I can’t see. This is truly God’s story, of one more miracle. And if he wants it shared, he may have it shared. So with tears in my eyes as I write this I am realizing that later tonight my blog will no longer be what I have felt as my safe getaway to work through emotions. God has taken me so far in my faith walk, and I still have so far to go. But it’s time to let others in on it and realize that my faith walk, might help others.
So while some may judge me, I hope others find peace and help through my journey and my writings. While some may think that I need to “let it go,” I hope others see the struggles in letting it go, and that truly grabbing a hold of something much bigger might be better. While this may be considered a way of reminding my husband of his past over and over, I hope it’s more realized as a way I am healing my broken heart and find faith while I survive sin. I have been and will continue to pray for those of you that feel I am hurting others. I pray you will see that this is not, nor has it ever been, my intent. I am more than incredibly sorry there are others that are even part of this story. I didn’t put them here. And while they may want to call me names, belittle me, or trash my faith… I will pray for their peace, their blessings, their conviction and repentance for a restored wonderful life. I quite frankly, still like them.
This is not a story of a mom and her journey of how she was hurt. That has never been my intent in this blog. This is my story of a mom, a wife, a child of God….. and how my journey unfolds. But more importantly, of how my journey has saved me. How hitting rock bottom in a storm of a lifetime broke me, and how god is putting me back together. I continue to seek a path I had no knowledge of prior… and I was a Christian! Truly, this journey has just begun. Learning to listen to God’s whispers is a slow disciplined act. But one more and more rewarding as time passes.