Loving Life: The good, the hard, and the really hard

I never thought I would go to church on a Friday night to watch Aladdin. Even more I never thought my children would both want to go to said event at a church on a Friday night. It was a great end to a really not so fun week. I sat there in church with all of the children snuggled in blankets all over the place and realized, no matter how much tough stuff we had to face and pray about this last week… happiness will always win if we seek it. The peace that fills me during hard days is so much more comforting than the panic that once did.

On a bright note, I LOVE MY JOB!!!!  This is exactly where God has been guiding me to be for a very long time.  It feels like home.  They had a pet visit this last week for the children…. I never thought I would see the day a dog was allowed in pre-op. AMAZING!!!!  The staff is overwhelmingly welcoming, the values are so focused on the patient.  I have yet to speak to one coworker that is disgruntled at their job.  The atmosphere is upbeat and fun with the number one goal of all team members to care for the kiddo’s and encourage their families.  I love it!

The Little Things

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built upon bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on the sand. When the rain and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash. 

Matthew 7:24-27

I just got home from my “digging deeper” group. I didn’t want to go. The couch was comfy, there were chores to do, I have to work early, the dogs need a walk… seriously the excuses list was endless. Or at least I could have made it endless. But I knew I needed it. And like a workout, I would never regret it. All it took was getting in the car and driving to my new friends home to realize how at peace my inner self was. Yep, I made the right choice. 

Over the weekend I have been praying a lot about my new job. It’s so different, in a delightful way, but still so different. The computer system is different, the department is different, heck even the patients are different. They are all kids!!!!  My pediatric books arrived and I’ve set up a study plan. As I was driving to group tonight I heard this: ” if God brought you to it, He will bring you through it”  That was exactly what I needed to hear. I smiled the rest of the drive. I’m feeling pretty fortunate right now. And I know it is God’s hand in my life. I listen to my gut more naturally all the time. I pay attention to whether something lines up with his truth. And I pray for those things that don’t. 

This all brings me back to the sermon today and digging deeper. We Discover God’s word. Then we increase our confidence in it. And then Marinate in it until it soaks into every cell of us. All three of these stages occur over and over as we read his word and walk in his ways. 

God teaches us through our experiences. Sometimes were not ready and he waits patiently. But slowly, if we let him. He will prepare us on such a solid foundation of truth, we won’t teeter and fall when the storm hits us. We may not even notice. He gives us truth, tools, resources, faith, and everlasting Love if we ask. Just open the door. He’s knocking. He has been forever. 

All testimony starts with a test

From my morning devotional…

Amazing stories of how God works in our lives always starts with a challenge, hard time, difficult time, or struggle in life.  Testimony always follows a storm.

Everything we go through in life God uses to produce good.  No matter how hard it is, no matter how challenging it feels, no matter how much it feels impossible.  God uses it.  We are strengthened through our trials.

Keep trudging.  Keep your eyes on him.  He has not forgotten you.  This challenging time, this hard road you are walking is strengthening you in ways you have no idea.  But God does.  And no story ever ever ever is a testimony of God not healing.

Trust in you

It’s been a rough week for Orange and I. At times I feel so alone. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want to be his only parent. But these aren’t mountains God is moving. And I have to trust him. I have to teach Orange to trust him. Someday, we will both look back and smile. We will look at the incredible mountain we climbed trusting our heavenly Father and the joy and triumph from all we have learned. Today’s struggles will be tomorrow’s blessings. Lots of tears today. Lots of heart ache. But trusting it will all work out. 


Today wasn’t the easiest of days.  My heart just hurt.  My daughter broke down in tears missing her sister.  I had a very boring day in computer training which gave me way to much time to think.  Just a hard day emotionally.  It happens.  It’s to be expected I guess.  During holidays or special days especially.  Not quite three years out and days like this prove to me I am still very broken.

Happy Birthday

For years today was a day about him. I loved spoiling him. We would do whatever he wanted (usually fishing).  The kids would all buy or make him presents which they couldn’t wait to give their dad. Handmade cards with some of the sweetest words. I just wanted to spoil him. One year I had a gift for him every day for a week. Another year I sent him a candy bouquet to three different hospital departments. He was the hospital supervisor so making him smile 3 times over during rounds was worth it!  I always looked forward to this day. In later years it was a weekend trip or a special dinner.

I loved him, I trusted him with my everything, he was my partner and best friend. These memories keep the good alive in my heart. These memories keep the hope alive for him and his future.

Happy Birthday Mr. Fishy


I’m not sure where you are in your journey.  Or why you have stumbled on my blog.  No matter where you are or where you want to be, this blog is about surviving stronger, more graceful, and so full of love even if the marriage ends in divorce.

There is a lot of support across the internet from women that are rebuilding the most amazing marriages after affair.  God marriages.   They aren’t easy but each story shows how worth it they are!   There truly isn’t a lot of support from women who try like crazy but can’t keep their marriage.  Most of those blogs seem to turn into extreme anger or hatred.   I try hard to not let my heart go that direction.  But I do acknowledge the truth of their actions.  The truth of how it destroyed 2 families and forever changed the future of 7 children.  With God’s help it is possible to keep away from  anger most of the time.

Positive thoughts are what drive me.  When things go wrong, I find a good.  I try hard to not wish for things I can’t have, but be thankful for what I do instead.  I may not have my car with all the bells and whistles anymore, so I look at my little orange car and love it’s simplicity.  I may have had to move away from the best coworkers a girl could ask for, so I look at the joy of being able to finally work in pediatrics instead.  Attitude is Everything.  It’s a motto I have shared with my children and my ex husband for years.  I used to live by it, and I do again.

No, I didn’t get my husband home.  I didn’t get my family back.  I lost two children, or at least if feels as if I have.  Yes, I was betrayed beyond words.  Yes, he is with my best friend.  I wasn’t betrayed by just one close person, but two.  Two people that I trusted in my adult life more then anyone.  Two people I shared all of my deepest darkest secrets.  Yes, the two lied desperately to hide their secret and make me look bad.  The awful things they said about me made me look crazy because of my hurt.  My pastor warned me early on that they would, and to not believe any of it.  He prayed over me for it then, and probably for the next year knowing him.  How did he know?  It’s Satan, he’s predictable.  Same story, different people.   I walk through my days now knowing that they do know the truth.  They do know what they did and are doing.  And they do know that hiding behind God isn’t doing them any favors.  And if they are still lying to themselves, then they will know the truth someday.  It will hit them.   I finally had to come to grips with the grim reality that the choices they made and are making are theirs.  And my choices are mine.  So with that, I have chosen through the entire process to love them both and pray for them.  To see their sin and continue to pray God’s hand in it.  I don’t like either one of them right now at all.  I hate what they have done to our children.  I hate what they have done to me.  But filling my actions and my life with hate for them will hurt me more.  So I pray for them instead… lot’s.

It has taken me so long to get to a point of not feeling guilty for my emotions.  If you are at a point of hate, try to pray for them… it really does help.  If you are at a point of depression and can’t see past the next hour… pray for them and yourself.  Let God guide you on your own path even if it takes you away from the one you desperately love.  God has a plan and it may take years to unfold.  I am barely three years out from the awful storm, and only recently has my heart felt like it could truly smile from within.

At some point you have to truly give it to God.  He’s the God of justice.  He wants all of his children, and he doesn’t give up.  Continually striving for Fishy in my heart was interfering with my relationship with Jesus.  When I realized that, it became easier to hand it over.  It became easier to trust I would not just survive… but grow out of this so much better.

If you are in your first year of grief…. give yourself grace.  The fog is thick, the next hour seems impossible, and your emotions are truly not in your control.  Don’t listen to your spouse if they are attacking you.  Satan wants you to hear the lies, but Satan is easy to banish with the truth from God.  I filled my time with books, blogs, devotionals, bible studies, and christian counseling.  Seek believers to pray for you.  You do not have to fall prey to Satan in their lies.  Their actions are not biblical, they are not of Jesus, and they are not Christian, no matter what they say!  Hold those truths close.  Write it on your mirror, put in on your steering wheel.  Place those truths on the fridge. You may need to hear them a hundred times a day at first.  That is OK!  That is normal!  You are not a bad person feeling anger for them.. it’s normal.  It’s hard, but I am here to tell you… it gets easier.

For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. For as you were once disobedient to God, yet have now obtained mercy through their disobedience, even so these also have now been disobedient, that through the mercy shown you, they also may obtain mercy. For God has committed them all to disobedience, that he might have mercy on all.

Romans 11:29-32 ESV


From my morning reading

Don’t fall into a pity party for what you don’t have.  Let what you do have become your overcomer.  We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. It’s what makes us each unique individuals. Stop worrying about what you can’t do. Stop comparing yourself to others and wishing you had what they do. Start loving what you can do. The result will be amazing inside of you!

The Rock

When God wants to get a message to us, he does.  The same message comes to me in music, my devotional, my readings, sermons, last night… my small church group, and then this morning a text message from a friend through her daily devotion.  When God wants us to know something, he doesn’t give up!  It gives me goosebumps thinking of it.

Were almost halfway through a 6 week series of “the rock” at church.  Where are we putting our faith, our trust, building our foundation for our life?  It takes finding what is fooling us and replacing it with the truth.  The ultimate fool is knowing without doing.  Knowing the truth, knowing what we should be doing, but letting something fool us and give us a short lived happy.  It feels so good though right?  Or maybe it just feels right, like all the stars are aligning and it is meant to be kinda good feeling.   Does it align up with the truth found in the bible though?  If not, Satan is fooling you.  We’re usually fooled by the same thing over and over.  Satan knows our buttons and he pushes them.  We all face it, even those that are able endure the temptation and turn away from it.  And this is where the foundation of truth comes in.  Are you are solid in the truth, solid on the rock?  Or do you fall for this foolish thing and crumble in the sand?

The amazing part of this story.  The best part actually.  Everyone has the chance to live on God’s solid truth.  Everyone, no matter what their past, has the opportunity to be there.  It may be a hard road.  It may seem impossible at times… but it isn’t.  It is never impossible to repent, and turn the other way.  The peace that comes.  The joy that comes is beyond words worth it.

My ex husband used to look at me at times and say “I feel like everything is right in our lives, things are amazing. We are headed in the right direction.”  And he was always right.  We both had this sense of inner peace.  Life was pretty perfect.  But then things would get hard again, and we would lean on the false sense of pride from the world.  Our foundation would crumble for a while.  With time things would feel good again and he would say the same wonderful things to me about how happy he was and how great life was.  And we bumped along like this for years….

Today I was driving home from work with this same inner peace feeling and enjoying the fall colors surrounding me.  I was listening to music and praying.  And it dawned on me, this inner peace feeling is me now.  When I was unemployed and didn’t even have a job yet, I had it. When the school called due to issues with my child, I had it.  When I walked into a mess in the house, I had it.  This inner peace is a part of me.  It’s living with myself grounded in the truth.  Having trust that I will be okay, that God has my life under control for where he wants me has completely changed my life.  Most of all I am calm.  Every fiber of me is calm.  Being calm means I am relaxed.  This means I find useful words to use when I am having a serious conversation.  Being calm and relaxed and using useful words means I don’t live in guilt.  Guilt is a thing of my past.  I kinda want to say that again.  Guilt is a thing of my past…. that sure feels good. I don’t want to forget the time of guilt though, it has helped to shape me into who I am today.  I don’t want to lessen that time in guilt because I truly think, God took that ugly and used it to make good.

All of these messages lately about the rock, seeking him, identifying what fools me, and ruthlessly replacing it with the truth is a reminder to me.  It is a reminder of how far I have come.  It is God telling me to stay the course, don’t let the sins of my ex (Fishy) and my old best friend (Mingo) de-rail me.  Don’t let their sins become my sins.

There was a time that Fishy and Mingo could derail me in an instant.  She had this amazing ability to speak so sweetly while lying so harshly.  Playing the “poor me” card when , well honestly, there was nothing poor or innocent about the game she was playing. Fishy was swell at playing the victim card and having me walk away from a situation feeling like I was the one messing up.  But I knew in my heart that I had every right to hurt.  Every right to be upset.  Golly, I had every right to be mad if I wanted.  Yet, their actions had me feeling guilty at the end of the night from these feelings.  I felt guilty waiting for my ex for months past the finality of the divorce.  Yet the truth… what I should have been doing, what I absolutely do not regret doing, was waiting.  What I didn’t realize at the time was the sin of feeling guilty.  I wasn’t trusting God’s truth.  I was relying on the opinion of two people that had betrayed me, and done some of the most unthinkable things to a friend, wife, mom, and a bunch of kids.  Their actions are not the truth found in the bible.  My self worth and my foundation was being fooled because it was found in their opinion of me.  Satan had to have been laughing hysterically!  He had all three of us!

Over time though, looking back, I see how it has been a gift from God.  He guided me to ruthlessly replace what was fooling me with what is true.  And in turn, I have gained peace.  The true inner peace that has stood within me through a lot.  What once rocked me, is just another day now.

My Boy

Sometimes I find myself overjoyed and inspired by my boy.  He hasn’t had an easy road for a very long time.  He was probably 2 when his dad and I recognized something was off.  Then school age came and it became more evident.  As parents, it was hard…. so so hard.  But for my boy, hard was an understatement.  After his dad moved out, he just gave up.   He clung to me, and spewed anger at the world.  School was already hard but became impossible.  His esteem was in the toilet.  His dad abandoned him, his grandparents abandoned him.  It was a rough time for an already struggling boy.  I would get so frustrated and hurt by his dad.  But trying to communicate with him regarding it was like having an argument with a psych patient at work.  It got me nowhere while he played the victim card.

When it comes to my boy, I allow anger to seep in for these individuals that have directly hurt him.  They knew the struggles this innocent little boy faced, and they turned their backs.  Mingo knew more than any friend I had.  In-fact, her mom had helped with various school meetings defending my boy, supporting my boy, showing a caring heart for my boy.  When news got to her though of what her daughter was doing with my husband, she turned her back as well.  The saddest part was… special education is her field.  It is her job, yet she turned her back on a little boy she knew struggled and was being treated unfair.  She watched her daughter make decisions that she knew as a special education teacher, would be devastating to my boy.  She knew, he knew, Mingo knew, grandma and grandpa knew.  And all of these people spew a devotion to Jesus, yet they walk a very different path.  You can say all the bible talk you want, it doesn’t count.  It’s how you walk, live, and share God’s love that counts.  This has taken me so long to discover and boldly defend.  This anger doesn’t affect my prayers for them, it probably helps.  This anger is my reminder that what they did was wrong, very wrong.  and that God will take care of it, just as he has taken care of my wrongs and lead me to repentance.  I now am living the life he desires, and my children are seeing it.

I look at my boy now and am inspired with where he is today.  It’s been hard for him.  He has had virtually everyone against him at times in his life.  His last year was spent “hidden” from the world at school and cuddled in my arms at home.  It’s been an exhausting road for me, but I constantly remind myself and him that I know it is even harder for him.  I am proud when I see improvements.  Today on our way into the church parking lot he waived out the window at the greeter.  He waved and smiled, and my heart soared!  Later we went to fill up my car and I rolled down his window and handed him my credit card.  He smiled at the attendant when he handed over the card.  Then he smiled and said “thank you” when it was handed back.  When I look at my boy I know God has big plans for him.  I am watching them emerge already.  God has turned this difficult time into a generous gift of time for my son and I.

My boy is my inspiration.