Category Archives: Children

Believe

Sometimes we just don’t understand why something happens.  Trying to figure it out just may not be the answer.  But the human in me continues to want to try.  I know I am not alone in this situation.  Last night a picture perked my interest on Facebook.  It was a family photo which included a blended family with writing above heads (my ex, my ex’s wife, their kids, my fiance, our kid)  It hit a spot in me.  My blended family was similar to that… Green and Purpls’s mom and her husband and their children would visit us for certain activities.  We all tried hard to keep the family stitched together in it’s form.  It wasn’t always perfect.. there were times things were said and apologies needed to happen, but we always tried.  Yet, once this man left me, we were unable to give the four children the same gift….. and I often want to fix it.

He blames it on me turning them against him, and won’t look past the fact that maybe, just maybe…. they are hurt by him.  Did it help that I cried for over a year?  Probably not… On the other hand, my children watched the grief in me, watched the changes in me, and watched the effort I put out…. I don’t regret that.  And I will not lie to the children, any of them.  Do they love their dad?  Of course!  I believe they do, but it is buried under a tremendous amount of anger.  Anger from actions that he caused directly affecting them.  My 18 year old daughter has a car she would like to give her 16 year old brother.  A car her dad picked out for her, and he won’t let Green have it….  My daughter has asked to see her sister on more than one occasion and the answer has been no, or ignored.  These are just some of her struggles with her dad… yet she still calls him dad, and I know she still loves him.  I also know that she would forgive him if he would just give her some understanding and time.  He hurt her.  He hurt her really bad…. that is okay!  What’s not okay is to let this hurt continue to fester and ruin something great.  Apologize, change, try…. something!!!!   I wish I understood why Orange has so much hatred for his dad.  He doesn’t really say.  He’s in counseling, we are trying to work through it, but again…. if his dad would just pay him some attention I truly think it would help.  Orange has always had a rough time, for a year that rough time got really rough.  Together him and I are making great strides… but it isn’t an easy road for him, cause I know it isn’t always easy for me!!!  But I love him, and nothing will change that.  When Orange messes up at school the first thing I always reassure him is that I love him and that wont ever change.  He is scared of losing me too….  But again, their dad thinks I have turned them.  I’m not sure how that would even be possible!  The few times I have gotten angry enough to say something ill of him, the kids have told me to stop!

So why has the dad of my kids left them?  Why does he hate me so much that he can’t even communicate with me regarding the children?

So since I know you are reading this, because you continue to tell me to stop trashing you on the internet.  Do I need to remind you, you cheated on me.  You cheated with my best friend and lied about it.  You blamed me for your DUII.  You took away two kids having hundreds of excuses for me to not see them.  I had to beg you to take our youngest son on a previously planned Christmas trip just two weeks after you left.  Yes, I had to beg you to take him (but I thought I took him away???)  He was the most excited kid for that trip!!!!  You pinned him on the ground demanding he tell you if I forced him to go.  Who cares if I did force him!  I am his mom, I wanted him to know everything would be ok!!!!  You shared lies and complete inaccurate stories of our situation to your co worker and turned them against me.  They still to this day have no idea what the truth is.  They know I texted you a lot…. duh!!!  I was freaking out!  The love of my life had just walked out and given me little explanation.  He took two of my kids, I was a MESS!!! My best friend yelled at me on the phone for questioning your relationship, yelled at me!  Turns out I later discovered she had a reason to be so anxious,  I only needed to see the phone bill of insane phone calls and texts for well over a month to know the truth.  You told me you hadn’t loved me for years…. what a crock of crap!  The worse part about all of this… with each of these lies… with each hurtful thing you said to me, I believed it.  It tore me down.  I felt so guilty being angry with her, with you, and for hurting in general.  I really thought I was the big big problem.  I believed every lie…. until I didn’t.  And yet you hate me.  This is what baffles me.

Something I have learned: It’s okay that I was hurting.   It’s okay that I got angry and wanted answers.  It’s okay that I wanted to hang on to my beloved husband and family.  It’s okay that I wanted to forgive you and have you home.  It’s okay that I wanted to help you through your duii.  It’s okay that I texted all the time and tried endlessly.  It is okay that I didn’t give up.  And now, it’s okay that I still am trying to heal a relationship between our children and us.  Do you know how much time it has taken me to realize that I did not do anything wrong wanting to try, and try, and try.  And the more one sided it became, the harder it became… but you know what, that is okay.  And one day, it no longer hurt for me.

If it helps you to feel better convincing yourself your issues are all my fault, go ahead… they aren’t and it is hurting you much more than you realize.  I did not take your kids.  They are here… they have always been here.  They are angry, understandably.  They want their siblings back…. start there.  Have I done wrong, probably… but with you constantly blaming me, unwilling to try, and unwilling to communicate… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT!  I’m not sure if that was very clear.  I am really tired of you throwing out an accusation and then not responding when I ask for more info, defend it, or try to work through the accusation with an apology.  Our kids deserve us to communicate and get along.  Your endless reasons of why you can’t, is quite frankly, getting old.  Why must our kids loose out in this deal?

FB_IMG_1450067368182 FB_IMG_1450034966610

I have to continue to have faith that all of this ugly, will turn to good.  That someday this will be a distant memory of “remember when….”  That my kids will have their dad again, and that he will have his children.. all 4 of them.  I may be frustrated beyond belief with him right now.  But there are no perfect parents, and I am choosing to believe the best in him…. it’s still there.  It’s just buried under a lot of anger, bitter, and hurt feelings.

Date night

Date night with my two favorite little mortals last night.  I can’t express in words how much this storm has changed these two children of mine.  The bond they share now…. may have never been before.  Watching them laugh, play punch, and kick each other as I was walking behind them on the sidewalk.  Listening to my youngest giggle hysterically at his sister after a particularly hard punch on his arm…. It made me smile all the way to my toes.  The peace the three of us share, and the closeness we all have is such a gift I will NEVER take for granted.  My youngest will often give me a hug now and say “mom, I love you so much”.  It used to just be “I love you”  which is so standard, and easy.  Adding in the “so much” changes it.  I often say at work, I may not have been given a forever husband, but God sure went over the top with giving me loving kids.  God took this ugly storm, and gave us something rare and special.  Thank You!!!

20151120_204500

Blessings

Today I got a blessing… A little blessing that was actually a ginormous blessing!  It was mid-day, work was pretty busy, I was in the middle of a case and my watched buzzed from Nic’s teacher.  I didn’t have time to look at the message or really to think about it, so I prayed. I asked God for peace for Nic and his teacher, and I asked for him to help me stay focused on where I was. A few hours later I looked at the message figuring at this point it wasn’t anything too urgent because nobody had come in to tell me I had a phone call.

The message “Nic is having a great day, being very helpful!”

I don’t need to tell you how much I needed to see that.  Thank you so much God.  Each day Nic has a positive day, Nic feels more positive about himself.  So one moment of Nic being helpful and being noticed, is totally changing the course of his future!!!

I think it is so easy to overlook the small stuff.  Yet the small stuff, is so often, the big stuff.

A lesson learned

Yesterday was a rough day for poor Orange.  As a parent it is so hard to watch our kids struggle.  I first got notified of issues at 9am, a text.  Then a call a half hour later I had to ignore because I was busy at work.  A few minutes later my charge nurse came into my room to tell me I had a phone call.  I already knew, and I had already been praying for peace and for God to “take the wheel.”  What I wasn’t praying for… Orange’s peace.

Orange has been having pretty harsh side affects from the stimulants he was on to help him focus in school.  I loved how much the meds were helping him feel positive about school… but I hated what the meds were doing to him.  Infact, I didn’t give them to him on off days from school because I didn’t like the suppressed child they made him be.  I missed my humorous funny boy.  So now poor Orange is starting over with trying school out and feeling like he is just not good enough… it is really sad.

I stepped into the breakroom to call the school, chatted with Orange, and then the teacher who said she would try a little longer but call me if there were any more problems.  Orange got a firm talking from me… still no prayer.  I hung up the phone, talked to my friend about my frustrating predicament… and SHE prayed for him.  It was a duh moment for me.  Have you ever done that?  Been so focused on how you were going to handle the situation and so focused that you didn’t do it wrong that you were the only one on your prayer list.  When in fact… my prayer should have started with Orange’s peace and then to my peace and guidance for Orange’s peace.  She didn’t even ask, she knew what he needed!

Orange made it most of the rest of the day, probably because of that prayer.  And he later told me he tried so hard to keep it together for school but EVERYTHING was distracting him and frustrating him.  Then he got mad, and then more mad because he got mad, then more mad because, well….. you get the point.  Why wasn’t I praying for him?  I was at work thinking all kinds of random things as we all do; my run that eve, running to the store, what I would make for dinner, but not praying for my boy who I knew was having a hard time, and even more I sent him to school knowing things would be hard.  I got a call at 230 and all I could hear was him screaming and crying in the background.  I left work as fast as I could and do you know what I did.. I prayed.  The whole way to the school, I prayed for Orange, for me, and for the teachers with him right then.

When I arrived Orange was sitting in the middle of a mass destruction scene at least 6 feet wide, papers, highlighters, pencils, and little round magnet balls…. everywhere.  I talked with one of his teachers outside the door.  He spoke so highly of Orange, you could tell it was really breaking his heart too.  Orange was completely detached and inconsolable by anyone.  When I walked in the room he crawled over to me and grabbed my legs.. a tear slid down my face.  He was calmly given two choices.  Help me pick up the mess, or I would pick it up alone and put it in the garbage since I didn’t know what was what.  If it went in the garbage him and I would go to the store later on and replace it all with his allowance.  He helped me pick it up and we calmly talked together while we did.  He didn’t know why he did it, he was so mad at himself, he wasn’t sure what happened, he tried… “mom I tried so hard”  There must have been about 4 packages of lined paper that was all over the floor… his desk had been incredibly organized and all of his lined paper was carefully in one of his 3 ring binders.  I didn’t figure he needed that much paper, so I gathered a huge pile of pretty wrinkled papers and went across the room to the recycle bin.  His teacher whispered to me, “you are doing a very good job with him”  I laughed and said “on the outside” but his response stopped me….  “No, you are using calm words that tell me you are very calm inside too”  I was…. I wasn’t even a little mad, anxious, or frustrated… just broken.  And it hit me how much my response has changed over the last few years of learning to rely on God.  Asking God to guide me saves me from all of the panic I experienced previously.

I am learning I am on a journey.  There is no destination other than the end of my life.  I won’t always do it right… and then sometimes I will.  I can guarantee you that praying for Orange next Thursday when he returns to school will be at the top of my prayer list, my peace and patience with his outcome will come after.  He stayed home today, did homework at home, and played with his new puppy.  Tomorrow is a holiday.  Thursday is a new day!

20151110_202212

 

Sound asleep with his puppy tonight.

My Nic!

So there is this boy…. he is my everything. I am the lucky one he calls mom. A few years ago I would have been in disbelief if someone told me I would be not only raising him alone, but we would be thriving. Tonight he came home with a rubik’s cube from school. While I was telling him “oh those things are ridiculous, I could never put them back together. I ended up swapping the stickers …..” He put his together! Then he messed it up and put it back together in under 2 minutes. Then I messed it up and he put it back together in under 2 minutes. This went on and on… What the heck?!?! His sister and I were in disbelief. But then, really, I am not shocked. Nic has always walked to his own beat. I am not going to go into all of my sons struggles, that is his story to share someday. But I will say this boy amazes me on a daily basis. In the last year alone to see what he has overcome and is working on is amazing.

It’s because of this boy that I have changed my parenting completely in the last two years. Sure, there are a lot of other factors at play… but he was the one that gave me the drive. When their dad and I separated I realized he and his sister needed one thing more than anything else in the world – unconditional love. Parenting from an unconditional love standpoint sure changes a homes atmosphere. Being a single parent isn’t easy for them or me. Some days are so frustrating, some have me in tears and so worn out, and others take a lot of patience. But love is never the question anymore.

Isn’t that what all parents really want.. to see their children succeed! To watch the glow on their faces and watch them live in joy and happiness. This boy is so incredibly special. I believe there are big plans for him in his future…. and my prayer is that someday he will believe it too. He has accomplished two very successful weeks at school. He has come home with a smile and actually used the words “love” and “school” in the same sentence! These little moments take such a huge weight off my shoulders!