God is Love

This memorial day weekend I have purposely made time to keep in mind all of the husband and wives without spouses, the children without parents or grandparents,  parents without children, and the grandparents without grandchildren…. all for the sacrifice of our nation, our freedom.  Freedom that we tend to take for granted.

There was one that sacrificed just as much, if not more, long before…. God.  He sent only son to die for sins of this world.  He loved us all so much, he wanted us all saved so badly, he sent his son to walk with us, teach us, and then die for us…..   Breath in that for a moment and then smile, because it’s for you he did this.  It’s for your neighbor, for the women that cheated with your husband, for the one that took your child from this world to early, for your co-worker that hurts you daily, for your parent that abused you.  God is love.  He wants everyone.  We all deserve forgiveness.

One thing I have really had reinforced to me over and over through this journey, is that EVERYONE deserves this forgiveness.  And it isn’t my choice how or who, nor is it yours.  This is to me the difference between religion and Jesus lovers.  Religion feels still feels to me as if there are boxes we must fit our beliefs in.  Follow certain rules and we belong. For those that don’t, they seem to be put down, ousted, or judged.  But this isn’t God or Love.  It is all over the bible to love.  Love your neighbor, love your enemy’s, love those that have hurt you.  Let God decide their fate while we pray for those that have hurt us.  Imagine a place where love was the first action, and to hate was foreign…..  I think about that a lot.

When someone cuts you off on the road, wouldn’t it be awesome if our first thought was to pray for them…. oh Lord, if they need your help please help them, if they need your peace or your calm right now, I ask you give it.  We have no idea what each other is walking through daily.  But if we each took God’s first and most basic rule to love… WOW.

This memorial day, I’m choosing to remember that while beaches are flooded with people, the roads are crowded with travelers, and backyard barbecues are being enjoyed by many… many many people are trying to wipe away their tears, trying to hold their head up high, and might be a bit distracted cutting someone off on the road accidently.  Because today is a reminder of everything they don’t get for yet one more year, so that we as a nation can be free.

In this same way, we should all remember this daily… because God sacrificed his son for all of us.  Jesus sacrificed himself.  Each time we spew hate, judgement, etc imagine his pain.

Finding Peace

So many things that I have felt the urge to write about lately.  Yet, my paper stays blank day after day.  Life is beyond what I would have ever thought it could be.  Writing about it feels like I am being so full of myself.  So as much as I want to share about joys all around me, I find myself just smiling and thanking God instead.

There isn’t anything really big going on in my life.  It’s the little things that really just make my heart soar.  Today for example, I spent the day hanging with my kids by the pool.   We swam, layed in the sun, swam some more, BBQ’d hot dogs, ate, and then swam some more.  Throughout the day numerous times I found myself smiling and so thankful for this opportunity to be present with my children.  The betrayal that Satan meant to drown me in this world, God used to save me.

Turquoise, her boyfriend, and I all went on a long walk this morning.  Somehow the conversation found it’s way to our lives then.  It’s hard for me to remember life then without pain.  It hurts, I want more than anything to show my two absent children how much I have changed.  I want to show my mother in law a Christ filled love and my confidence in that alone.  I want to be the girl then that I am now…. but that isn’t how life works.  I had a sign made for my sons room.  “Today I choose to be who I want to be” forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead. Philipians 3:13.  It’s times like this, I take God’s advice.  I feel him whisper this verse to me, and I realize the truth.  I am who I am, because of who I was.  And that’s a lot to be thankful for.  God uses every good and bad thing to guide us.

Are you in  a rough patch?  Are you having a hard time that feels hopeless? Do you feel that the darkness won’t end.  Please listen to this simple truth.  Life will get easier.  Life will make more sense someday.  The darkness will end.  The real beauty of this difficult phase, is that God will use it to make good.  You just have to be willing to allow it.

Betrayal has changed me to the core.  I realize that I am still a broken mess.  I have a long ways to go still to heal.  I see a picture of him (Fishy)… and nauseating pain slams into me still.  But I am at peace knowing I am God’s beautiful mess, and he’s not done with me yet.


These last few weeks have been filled with conflict. Sad, yet happy and joyous. I can’t put a finger on it. Life is good. I find blessings daily. And I know without a doubt, I’ve got the best father in the world guiding me. As I’m planning final details on an amazing trip, I’m filled with mixed emotions. I can only think it’s because I am leaving behind two children. Two of my loved littles. Two individuals I miss daily, I’m torn.  I miss them so much. I balance between a feeling okay with it, and falling apart in my pillow. Feeling like this is right, and knowing this is wrong. Wanting to move on, and being scared to do so without them. Love…. that’s my answer every time I pray… love them.