Frustrations

I was up early this morning with our sweet little puppy….  I say that  because he is so sweet.  And so stinkin adorable!  Which is a good thing because trying to get sleep right now with him is kind of a joke.  Teal took him for me Friday night and I slept for 11 hours!!!  I know, I was THAT tired.  She spent yesterday pretty tired, funny tired actually, so I made sure he was in my room so she could sleep.  We are both protecting Orange so he can sleep… He needs to let his meds regulate and that is enough of a challenge right now.  Anyway, back to being up early…

I couldn’t sleep so I laid in bed at 3am chatting with God.  He always brings me to writing out my frustrations….  So I wrote my ex an email:

If you think my decisions are so bad… talk to me. NOT OUR KIDS!  and your select few that you know (think) wont talk to me. You think I tell Teal horrid things about you… you are wrong.  Think I keep Orange from you, that is crap!  You won’t even communicate with me!!!!!  You seem to rather enjoy making up stories and assuming.  Your actions ruined Teal’s high School. They ruined Green’s high school too so don’t tell me it’s cause I shared to much, cause he and I never even talked! I shared some with Teal yes, out of pain. And she deserved to know the things I shared!  I struggled and the kids saw that.  I hurt and worked so hard for our marriage and to change while you completely ignored me, and ya, the kids saw that.  But I never maliciously told my kids lies about you so they would hate you. NOT ONCE! Unfortunately for you, you were doing some pretty horrific things that the kids saw, felt, and made their own minds up over.  And that isn’t just Teal and Orange, Green probably saw the most and quite honestly was in the shittiest of predicaments of all of the children.  You can deny it all you want. We both know what you did. I’m not the judge. I don’t care to judge. I am just here to pick up the pieces and try to keep the family together.  Leave my job out of it. Leave our kids out of it.

I’m not the one sneaking around with a married women.  I was not the married one sneaking off texting, calling, spending saturday nights, and having an affair.  I am NOT the liar in this situation. I was handed a shitty deck of cards by you. I am doing the best I can with it. Trashing you was never my game, I wanted you home duh!  You want to find someone to blame for your mess go look in the mirror. You’re ignorance to the majority of the world yet sharing complete lies with a select few that have never heard my side is pathetic. Keep surrounding yourself with only those that will believe you. Keep at it… someday that cell door will slam shut and you will be alone with those secrets and lies. There are two sides to every story!

Ya, I know… not very nice.  I have learned something from his actions… he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t care what I say because he has created a world where I am so ugly already, and it isn’t going to change.  He is capable of spending 10 years with someone and then walk away without a look backwards, not once, but twice.  And…. he will do it again.  He has this sick ability to not feel remorse for his actions, even worse to target someone else for his wrong.  I recently asked the question… “will he ever apologize and realize the devastation he caused?  Or is he truly selfish enough to block out what he can’t gain from anymore and move on?”  “Has he apologized to his first wife?” was the response, and the answer is NO.  I find a lot of peace when I write.  It helps me to digest thoughts yet keep it off of social media.  I’m not sure if I will share this blog… my original intent was to share it at some point.  I’m indecisive at times.  For right now I enjoy having it for my own venting post.

It has been almost a month since my son’s dad even attempted to contact him…. but somehow that is probably my fault.  Orange doesn’t respond to texts which is my fault because I turned him away from him…. whatever!  Anyone that knows Orange, knows that that kid can not be cohersed into what he believes.  Hes pretty smart, and he sat back watching actions of many of us for over a year.  Who attempts to parent through text messaging anyway?  What Orange needed was a dad… someone that was willing to show him he was first, pop over to visit to show him he is loved, involve him in as much stuff as possible.  Oh, but this man couldn’t even do that for his older son he took with him… Orange was shown very clearly by his dad, that he was not his dad.  That alone, crushed Orange to the core.  He refused to send Orange his birthday presents this last October, or to just drop them off.  Instead he held them as a tool over Orange’s head.  Turns out his parents did the same, I thought they had forgotten Orange’s birthday until yesterday when he remembered to get the gifts from the car from a visit last week, but instead they had given Orange’s presents to his dad, who doesn’t even see him!!!!  Again, a tool.  Aren’t you supposed to give with a happy heart, otherwise don’t give.  I can’t tell you how many presents I sent Green and Purple over that first year and a half.  I mailed them or dropped them off on doorsteps.  I heard nothing back a large portion of the time (Purple always texted a thank you).  I never received anything out of giving those gifts… I did it because I wanted to, and I wanted them to know how very much I loved them.  I never kept presents here that they could have if they came and saw me.  Honestly, they wouldn’t have come for them and I knew that.  Not that first year and a half… neither one of them wanted anything to do with me.  That hurt but it wasn’t their problem, it was mine, and I knew I needed to fix it.  So I did the best I could given the circumstances.  My husbands actions are not that of a caring parent, neither are his parents.  It’s more of a good riddance attitude.  All of them know how much poor Orange has struggled, how black and white he is, and how easily frustrated he gets.  And all of them have treated him like they could care less.   So Orange has moved on…. so much better than I!  I truly don’t understand how people can say they are so filled with love for Jesus, when they treat people so awful.  The deep inner core of these people is evil…. and it has repeated itself in history just as the bible states it will.  They hurt people and have no remorse.  They think they are so amazing because they can spout the bible, and they believe Jesus died on a cross….  They should know it takes way more than that!!!  They hide under Jesus as protection and use his name often, it will come back to bite them.  And this is what makes me sad.  Because these people could be so good… they have the potential… and God wants them to.  He waits so patiently.

I used to receive cards from my mother in law “you are such a blessing to our family”, “We are so lucky you are our daughter in law”, “we love you”.  I found a stack of similar cards a few years back all written to Fishy’s first wife.  I questioned Fishy on it because it was my understanding that my mother in law hated her first daughter in law.. she was abusive to Green, she held sex over husbands head, she had a terrible temper, her dad had a terrible temper, bla bla bla…  I got the feeling they never liked her, they even sat the couple down prior to the wedding stating their disagreements with it, but the two love birds went ahead with it anyway.  Now of course, he never loved her, he wanted to move forward in life and have kids, he was “settling” because he was afraid he was running out of time, … oh the cruelty of the things he said about his first wife go on and on… and most of it WASN’T TRUE!!!!  To me, that should have been a red flat.  I should have realized the core of someone that could talk that terrible about a woman he pledged to spend forever with, and I should have never believed he never loved her… that is just STUPID!  But I was bedazzled by his charm, and “love” for me.  And now, 10 years later I deserve every bit of what I have received from the pain he has caused me.  I just pray, that through this pain, I walk out the other side polished, graceful, and a deeper understanding of living for Christ.

I can only imagine what my mother in law says about me now… like I said, that takes a sad kind of person to live life in that way.  That is not a Jesus filled person.  That is a person that desperately needs Jesus to sit with her for a meal and teach.

A friend recently lead me onto Ephesians 5:11-14.  I have since spent a lot of time pondering it, and thus Ephesians 5 in its entirety.  Walking in love isn’t what Hollywood wants you to believe love is. Love, is letting someone know when they are wrong.  Exposing the sin, wrong doing, evil, because you care (love) that much.  I can’t tell you how many times my mom has corrected me, told me my thoughts weren’t kind, explained something to me in another way, or told me I was flat out wrong…. that is love.  Exposing the truth, shedding light on my wrong doing, so it wouldn’t stay in the dark and grow into a deeper sin.  This is something I have chewed on for about a week now…  My writing helps me to get through a hard time, but I wonder if it is God’s way of helping shed light on some of the wrong in some people I truly did love.  Just because I think these people are quite evil in their actions has nothing to do with my love for them.  If I didn’t love them I think this all would have been easier.  But I was joining this family for the long haul, not just until they tired of me and needed to make up stories to move on.  I refuse to act like my husbands affair, and then the following lies about me was okay… it wasn’t.  And I fear what will happen to his future if he doesn’t admit it and change his ways.  I fear what will happen to his mother if she doesn’t realize that she can not do evil things and say horrendous things to people and still be okay, she wont.  Standing up for her sons wrong doings is not love, actually the bible quite clearly states that it is a sin.  She was given this child to protect and “love”, and sometimes love is tough.

Just some thoughts that have rolled around in my head the last few days.  My next post will be an appropriate November post about blessings.  I needed to vent this out first before I could move on.

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