Believe

Sometimes we just don’t understand why something happens.  Trying to figure it out just may not be the answer.  But the human in me continues to want to try.  I know I am not alone in this situation.  Last night a picture perked my interest on Facebook.  It was a family photo which included a blended family with writing above heads (my ex, my ex’s wife, their kids, my fiance, our kid)  It hit a spot in me.  My blended family was similar to that… Green and Purpls’s mom and her husband and their children would visit us for certain activities.  We all tried hard to keep the family stitched together in it’s form.  It wasn’t always perfect.. there were times things were said and apologies needed to happen, but we always tried.  Yet, once this man left me, we were unable to give the four children the same gift….. and I often want to fix it.

He blames it on me turning them against him, and won’t look past the fact that maybe, just maybe…. they are hurt by him.  Did it help that I cried for over a year?  Probably not… On the other hand, my children watched the grief in me, watched the changes in me, and watched the effort I put out…. I don’t regret that.  And I will not lie to the children, any of them.  Do they love their dad?  Of course!  I believe they do, but it is buried under a tremendous amount of anger.  Anger from actions that he caused directly affecting them.  My 18 year old daughter has a car she would like to give her 16 year old brother.  A car her dad picked out for her, and he won’t let Green have it….  My daughter has asked to see her sister on more than one occasion and the answer has been no, or ignored.  These are just some of her struggles with her dad… yet she still calls him dad, and I know she still loves him.  I also know that she would forgive him if he would just give her some understanding and time.  He hurt her.  He hurt her really bad…. that is okay!  What’s not okay is to let this hurt continue to fester and ruin something great.  Apologize, change, try…. something!!!!   I wish I understood why Orange has so much hatred for his dad.  He doesn’t really say.  He’s in counseling, we are trying to work through it, but again…. if his dad would just pay him some attention I truly think it would help.  Orange has always had a rough time, for a year that rough time got really rough.  Together him and I are making great strides… but it isn’t an easy road for him, cause I know it isn’t always easy for me!!!  But I love him, and nothing will change that.  When Orange messes up at school the first thing I always reassure him is that I love him and that wont ever change.  He is scared of losing me too….  But again, their dad thinks I have turned them.  I’m not sure how that would even be possible!  The few times I have gotten angry enough to say something ill of him, the kids have told me to stop!

So why has the dad of my kids left them?  Why does he hate me so much that he can’t even communicate with me regarding the children?

So since I know you are reading this, because you continue to tell me to stop trashing you on the internet.  Do I need to remind you, you cheated on me.  You cheated with my best friend and lied about it.  You blamed me for your DUII.  You took away two kids having hundreds of excuses for me to not see them.  I had to beg you to take our youngest son on a previously planned Christmas trip just two weeks after you left.  Yes, I had to beg you to take him (but I thought I took him away???)  He was the most excited kid for that trip!!!!  You pinned him on the ground demanding he tell you if I forced him to go.  Who cares if I did force him!  I am his mom, I wanted him to know everything would be ok!!!!  You shared lies and complete inaccurate stories of our situation to your co worker and turned them against me.  They still to this day have no idea what the truth is.  They know I texted you a lot…. duh!!!  I was freaking out!  The love of my life had just walked out and given me little explanation.  He took two of my kids, I was a MESS!!! My best friend yelled at me on the phone for questioning your relationship, yelled at me!  Turns out I later discovered she had a reason to be so anxious,  I only needed to see the phone bill of insane phone calls and texts for well over a month to know the truth.  You told me you hadn’t loved me for years…. what a crock of crap!  The worse part about all of this… with each of these lies… with each hurtful thing you said to me, I believed it.  It tore me down.  I felt so guilty being angry with her, with you, and for hurting in general.  I really thought I was the big big problem.  I believed every lie…. until I didn’t.  And yet you hate me.  This is what baffles me.

Something I have learned: It’s okay that I was hurting.   It’s okay that I got angry and wanted answers.  It’s okay that I wanted to hang on to my beloved husband and family.  It’s okay that I wanted to forgive you and have you home.  It’s okay that I wanted to help you through your duii.  It’s okay that I texted all the time and tried endlessly.  It is okay that I didn’t give up.  And now, it’s okay that I still am trying to heal a relationship between our children and us.  Do you know how much time it has taken me to realize that I did not do anything wrong wanting to try, and try, and try.  And the more one sided it became, the harder it became… but you know what, that is okay.  And one day, it no longer hurt for me.

If it helps you to feel better convincing yourself your issues are all my fault, go ahead… they aren’t and it is hurting you much more than you realize.  I did not take your kids.  They are here… they have always been here.  They are angry, understandably.  They want their siblings back…. start there.  Have I done wrong, probably… but with you constantly blaming me, unwilling to try, and unwilling to communicate… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT!  I’m not sure if that was very clear.  I am really tired of you throwing out an accusation and then not responding when I ask for more info, defend it, or try to work through the accusation with an apology.  Our kids deserve us to communicate and get along.  Your endless reasons of why you can’t, is quite frankly, getting old.  Why must our kids loose out in this deal?

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I have to continue to have faith that all of this ugly, will turn to good.  That someday this will be a distant memory of “remember when….”  That my kids will have their dad again, and that he will have his children.. all 4 of them.  I may be frustrated beyond belief with him right now.  But there are no perfect parents, and I am choosing to believe the best in him…. it’s still there.  It’s just buried under a lot of anger, bitter, and hurt feelings.

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