December 6th came and went. It was the first year I didn’t fear it. It was also the first year I didn’t catch myself having difficulty focusing, breathing, or smiling. The panic is gone. The what, how, why… not so gone, but not so in the forefront of my thoughts anymore. I have learned it may always be there but I have also accepted I will never know. Focusing on the what, how, why only drags me down. And truly, at this point. It doesn’t matter.
Does my heart still hurt? There will always be a broken part in my heart from the loss. A crack that serves me as a reminder. A reminder to why I strive to be who I am today. Why I choose to ignore so many things and focus on what really matters. Why I will always choose love, rather than hate. It’s a reminder of who I was, who we were, and who I am now. Yes, it’s also a reminder of what we could have had, could be right now. But one thing I have learned through all of this is that I can only control me and my choices. And no matter what, I have to learn to accept the choices of others that may or may not affect me. So to dwell on the “could haves”, helps no one. No, I don’t still hurt. But I do still love him and my two other children very much. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of them or asked God to please watch over them for me.
On the third anniversary of my world shattering to pieces…. I focused on being thankful. Thankful for how far I have come. Where God has lead me. And the multitude of blessings along the way. God took my broken life, shattered into a thousand thoughts, memories, and wants. He took my broken spirit filled with a pain and agony that has no words to describe. And he guided me slowly to joy beyond words. Joy I haven’t felt in years. He gave purpose back to my life and a drive I had lost somewhere along the way. I learned to love me again.
December 6th will always be “that day” for me. It will forever be a reminder of why I am who I am now. Why I will never again focus on the minor trials of life but rather trust and have faith there is a plan, a reason, and a purpose for me.