Three Years

December 6th came and went.  It was the first year I didn’t fear it.  It was also the first year I didn’t catch myself having difficulty focusing, breathing, or smiling.  The panic is gone.  The what, how, why…  not so gone, but not so in the forefront of my thoughts anymore.  I have learned it may always be there but I have also accepted I will never know.  Focusing on the what, how, why only drags me down.  And truly, at this point.  It doesn’t matter.

Does my heart still hurt?  There will always be a broken part in my heart from the loss.  A crack that serves me as a reminder.  A reminder to why I strive to be who I am today.  Why I choose to ignore so many things and focus on what really matters.  Why I will always choose love, rather than hate.  It’s a reminder of who I was, who we were, and who I am now.  Yes, it’s also a reminder of what we could have had, could be right now.  But one thing I have learned through all of this is that I can only control me and my choices.  And no matter what, I have to learn to accept the choices of others that may or may not affect me.  So to dwell on the “could haves”, helps no one.  No, I don’t still hurt.  But I do still love him and my two other children very much.  There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of them or asked God to please watch over them for me.

On the third anniversary of my world shattering to pieces…. I focused on being thankful.  Thankful for how far I have come.  Where God has lead me.  And the multitude of blessings along the way.  God took my broken life, shattered into a thousand thoughts, memories, and wants.  He took my broken spirit filled with a pain and agony that has no words to describe.  And he guided me slowly to joy beyond words.  Joy I haven’t felt in years.  He gave purpose back to my life and a drive I had lost somewhere along the way.  I learned to love me again.

December 6th will always be “that day” for me.  It will forever  be a reminder of why I am who I am now.  Why I will never again focus on the minor trials of life but rather trust and have faith there is a plan, a reason, and a purpose for me.

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