I seek you

When life is going good, I seek him and thank him.  When life is hard, sad, or feels like too much, I seek him.  The peace, the love, the joy…. it is a direct result of a relationship I have grown quite attached too.  When Satan wants to break me with memories, God lifts me up.

I have found that when I am safe in my bubble, life is overwhelmingly amazing!  I have a job I love so much it only felt like a possibility in dreams.  I have two kids that I have been given the joy of watching them both become young adults.  Watching them discuss future plans, college ideas, job ideas.  Watching them thrive in their environment and see a future for themselves.  It is a beautiful thing.  Especially knowing the broken feelings of our family and spirits a few short years ago.  Watching my youngest son grow with dreams past today and excel at school has been a pure joy.  If you know my youngest son, or his struggles in life… seeing him today would probably shock you.  He glows, he dreams, he laughs…. College is in his future where at one time I didn’t ever think it would be.

But outside of this bubble are two kids I miss so much at times.  Two kids my children miss at times.  And once in a while, when a memory pops up, the hurt in their eyes can drop me so hard and so fast.  And then ugly thoughts run through my head like a stampede of antelope with no thoughts but to run.  I hate her, I think evil vile thoughts about her and what she has done to my family.  The girl I once called such  a dear friend that slid in and became my husbands confidant.  Formed an emotional bond with my husband while she was still married as well.  Watched me fall apart past complete devastation for well over a year. Watched as my husband made up horrendous lies about me and followed her selfish worldly heart of desire for another’s man anyway.  NEWS FLASH!!!!  GOD WILL NEVER EVER SEND YOU ANOTHERS MAN…. EVER!  And they think that their relationship is a Godly one.  They think that they are blessed.  The sad thing about Satan…. He gifts you what you desire till the jail door slams shut and then it’s over.  And when it is over…. it is over hard core.  Trust me, I know.  I spent 3 years climbing out of that hell hole with one desperate hold on God.

Don’t worry, I hate him too at these times.  But its an odd mixture of pure disgust for the worldly, ugly, cruel, pathetic man he has become, and a desperate cry to God to please please wake him up!!!  You see, he’s still the father to my four children.  And as long as he is living this disgusting, sinful, sick, and twisted lifestyle, it affects my children.

This past week my bubble was cracked a few times.  My dad lovingly worked on turning our old family blogs into PDF files so he could remove the blogs from the server he has been paying for and updating for years.  There are pages and pages of four loving children growing up.  I can’t look at them.  It makes my throat tighten shut, and tears squeeze through my eyes.  It’s not just my blog I kept for years.  Right up until a few months prior to him walking out actually.  There are homeschool blogs from each of the children as well.  I did a good job of just finding peace in Jesus and being thankful I have the blogs for some future date.  Emily spent an evening looking through it and laughing with Gabe.  I could hear their laughter and some of the reading, it made my heart smile.  I had no idea the gift I was creating all those years of blogging.  A concrete reminder of memories for my children.

Then two days ago I received an email from Shutterfly….. “check out your memories from 12 years ago…”

Oh my littles…. my sweet little munchkins.  How much I loved being your mom.  And like most mom’s so much regret for the silly worries like a clean house, what others thought, and just plain wearing myself out trying so damn hard.

After the Shutterfly email I felt the crack start to widen.  I felt the stampede of antelopes in my head, ugly words like hoar, slut, bitch, terrible mother (which I truly believe she is), disgusting women, etc.  and I knew that if the wrong look, the wrong thing was said, I was teetering on tears, and unregretable anger.  And this my friends is how Satan so routinely and expectedly works.  He grabs what will knock us down and he throws it at us over and over.  He tries to blind us to the love and peace of God.  He hopes like mad that our faith will falter and we will fall prey to him.

But it doesn’t work with me.  I let myself cry, and I let Jesus in while doing so.  I let myself grieve, and I will over and over for years to come.  I am learning to walk through life without some of my children.  And my peace is knowing they aren’t dead.  It could be worse.  And as long as I give God the control, it will ALWAY end right.  So if you are struggling.  If you feel Satan pulling you down.  Take a deep breath.  Say Jesus as many times as you need to.  Feel his peace wash over you, and then ask him which way to go.  Then follow it with a smile, with joy, and with gladness that you don’t have to navigate this ugly cruel world alone.

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