My heart is full

I’ve recently spent two days back in my small town of Tillamook.  I’ve enjoyed multiple visits with dear friends.  My heart is full.

Leaving Tillamook last June was a huge jump.  It was a tough one.  I battled a lot with myself to whether I was supposed to go.  I prayed and prayed and argued with God.  One day I was excited, the next I was scared to death!  I was selling everything, and making a jump to another town, a city…. and starting all over.

Some days I was so angry with both of them.  Why did I have to move.  Why was it me, I didn’t do any of this.  Why do I have to be the one to sell my beautiful home, and move.  Why do I have to leave my church that has given me so much comfort. Why do I have to quit my job I love and start over. Why do I have to give up even more……

Sometimes, my inner thoughts aren’t all that nice.  Sometimes I think I sound like a selfish teenager to God.  Thankfully his love for us is more than our selfish thoughts.

But I did dutifully sell most of my belongings.  I did load up the rest, and I relocated my children and I starting over with a new home, a new job, and a fresh start, just as God was pushing me.

God knows best.  Always, every time without a doubt.  The blessings that he has been pouring over me and my little family just continued.  I wasn’t alone on this move, he was with me.  I wasn’t alone relocating and starting over.  It was actually just another step toward my healing.

I had a great job that I loved.  I now have an amazing job that I LOVE!  I have found my nitch.  Working with kids wasn’t ever going to be an option rural.  Working with kids is my thing!  Have I mentioned I love my job???

I wasn’t selling my home and starting over.  I brought my home with me.  Home is in my heart, it’s what I make it.  Home is wherever my children and I are.  It’s the love we all share… the hugs after work.  the “I love you” and “I love you too” we share multiple times throughout the day.  It’s the helping hands we offer each other to empty the dishwasher, clean the house, feed the dogs, make our meals.  It’s the laughter that we all share all the time now.  That is my home, and that will be anywhere I go in life.

I spent some time at the hospital in my old unit yesterday visiting with so many people I miss.  I hugged and laughed and reminisced with so many.  And I walked away happy to have them all in my life, but so relieved that I am no longer working in that facility with my heavy heart and heavy burden.   My story, my pain, my heavy heart… it did not follow me to my new employment.  That I am thankful for.  My oldest was with me on this visit back.  And we both walked away looking at the building and saying, I am so glad this is not where we are anywhere.  Thank you Jesus, thank you for knowing what we needed and pushing me.  Thank you for loving us and our family and continually helping us grow.

We stopped by our favorite anesthesiologists house.  Teal was anxious to see her favorite “littles” and I was anxious to see my favorite anesthesiologist.  To this day, I mentally compare all of the providers I work with to him.  I work with some great ones, but none like him, he taught me so much.  And we talked so much about the small homesteading dreams, I miss this.  He was getting into it as I was leaving it.  It was so heart warming to wander around his property and see his excitement showing me the different things he’s been working on, and the dreams he is looking to.  I am so thankful for Fishy and the years we raised our children in that setting.  I am so thankful that I had that piece of time.  It was always a dream of mine, and I had it.  But I am thankful it is over.  I am thankful for where I am now.  Walking distance to shopping and food.  Short drive to work.  Things are open past 8 at night.  I love where I am.  But I love where I was, and where I have been as well.

So today I wake up, and feel my heart so full.  I’m not sure where I would be today without Jesus.  The thousands of hugs I feel from him daily.  The love he pours out on me continuously.  The pain he has taken, and the blessings he has given.  It is so true to say that God doesn’t make bad things happen, but he sure does create a lot of good out of the bad.  So many things my kids and I wouldn’t have without him, without having left.  Without our storm.


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