Finding Peace

So many things that I have felt the urge to write about lately.  Yet, my paper stays blank day after day.  Life is beyond what I would have ever thought it could be.  Writing about it feels like I am being so full of myself.  So as much as I want to share about joys all around me, I find myself just smiling and thanking God instead.

There isn’t anything really big going on in my life.  It’s the little things that really just make my heart soar.  Today for example, I spent the day hanging with my kids by the pool.   We swam, layed in the sun, swam some more, BBQ’d hot dogs, ate, and then swam some more.  Throughout the day numerous times I found myself smiling and so thankful for this opportunity to be present with my children.  The betrayal that Satan meant to drown me in this world, God used to save me.

Turquoise, her boyfriend, and I all went on a long walk this morning.  Somehow the conversation found it’s way to our lives then.  It’s hard for me to remember life then without pain.  It hurts, I want more than anything to show my two absent children how much I have changed.  I want to show my mother in law a Christ filled love and my confidence in that alone.  I want to be the girl then that I am now…. but that isn’t how life works.  I had a sign made for my sons room.  “Today I choose to be who I want to be” forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead. Philipians 3:13.  It’s times like this, I take God’s advice.  I feel him whisper this verse to me, and I realize the truth.  I am who I am, because of who I was.  And that’s a lot to be thankful for.  God uses every good and bad thing to guide us.

Are you in  a rough patch?  Are you having a hard time that feels hopeless? Do you feel that the darkness won’t end.  Please listen to this simple truth.  Life will get easier.  Life will make more sense someday.  The darkness will end.  The real beauty of this difficult phase, is that God will use it to make good.  You just have to be willing to allow it.

Betrayal has changed me to the core.  I realize that I am still a broken mess.  I have a long ways to go still to heal.  I see a picture of him (Fishy)… and nauseating pain slams into me still.  But I am at peace knowing I am God’s beautiful mess, and he’s not done with me yet.

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