Happy Independence day everyone. It was a beautiful evening. Front row to the Rockaway firework show. Tons of smoke, and lots of chatter from Orange. Tons of laughs. I don’t know where that boy learns his facts. Totally enjoying my weekend with the family and feeling blessed my life is where it is right now. Missing a lot, but I know God has me right where I need to be. So walking in faith and trust that we are going to be ok.
Time always marches on. Through our good choices and our bad choices we are always moving forward. I’ve recently found the 90s country radio on Pandora. When did I quit listening to country? When did I quit laughing and having fun with friends? At what point did I start always moving to the next stage in life and focusing on tomorrow so hard I missed out on today. That was not me in high school! I think in life we make so many little changes slowly, changes to benefit the family, spouse, kids, work. Some changes are good. But when we lose who we really are I don’t think good is the right word. I have spent this last year finding myself, healing from a serious depression, and remembering how much fun I used to have in life. I’ve found my happy back. At home, at work, and in life. But fear of failure and guilt sure do sneak in often still. As my daughter graduates from High School in just a little over one month from now I think of myself at that age. What advice would I give my 18 year old self? Don’t lose who you are for someone else, ever! Focus on your future with dreams, but don’t forget today. Play hard, laugh tons, and enjoy the little things always. And most important SLOW DOWN! Man what I wouldn’t give to go back 20 years and take it slower and enjoy every stage of my children, every stage of my marriage, and laugh over my failures rather than hold them inside to slowly cripple me.
Things are going so great for me. My life is moving in the right direction on so many levels. I feel amazingly blessed. But I still miss them all…. some days it really hurts. Not being a family still feels so wrong. Not sharing our dreams…..
I had such a wonderful day. I love the thrill of a race with everyone on high energy and so full of excitement. But a relay… it was excitement 5 times over at the start of each leg!!! I had said no races this year so I could focus on school but I am so glad to be a part of today’s race. Pat Zweifel works very hard for the High School Cross Country team here in Tillamook. I am proud to be a part of it. Thank You Josh Voltron Andrew Patton and Aaron Hamilton for helping us out. Without you, us three girls would have had to do extra legs of the race. I am beyond blessed to work with such an amazing crew. We spend an enormous amount of time together at work, it is so fortunate we also love to spend time together outside of work. Thank youUra Stokke for coming to cheer us along! Next year you will be running with the Blue Angels!!! Thank you Brenna Sanders Waxter and Bambi Pobladorfor making such great running partners. I love how we all helped each other out on our difficult parts by running alongside each other. Thank you Tami Patton for being the designated driver and keeping us all safe (and for entertaining Nic) I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the day without my best friend. Thank you to my mom Doreen Gord for being the designated camera girl. And to my dad Bill Gord for picking up the tab at Pelican Pub. And to all of our kids…. Thank You! You kiddos give up so much time with us to our very stressful and long hours at work without complaint. Then you all support our ridiculous goals to succeed at running an insane amount of miles each week. It was so much fun to see the majority of our children out there cheering us on. Most of all though I just gotta thank God. What a blessing to live in such an amazing area. The weather was beautiful, the scenery was inspiring, and the company was priceless.
It hasn’t been the best day. My actions today were not of the person I have worked so hard to be. I let anger, hurt, and emotions take over and get the best of me. I am not proud of who I am right now. A few hours ago giving up felt a whole lot easier then trying to climb out of this hole I dug for myself today. But…. a best friend is better than anything in the world…. thank you Tami for listening to me and reassuring me that it is okay. I am not a failure or defined by my actions. To those I hurt, I am sorry. So so sorry. Its not the path I wanted to take. Like i have said so many times this last year, grief sucks. I would give nearly anything to get one more hug from my kiddos and hear them call me mom. And I am definitely struggling with anger knowing that I can’t. But I need to take this to Jesus, not the individuals. So again, Sorry
One year ago I made a promise to myself to not drink for one year. It started out as a support to to my “then” husband. But it became so much more! It became my journey. And I did it!!! I went an entire year! And I gained a ton out of it. My last drink was exactly one year ago last night. Sorrows and alcohol do not mix. I told myself if I made it a year I could reward myself on my birthday with a glass of wine. My birthday came and I was on call, so I think God had other plans. No glass of wine last night. My reward was much better… knowing that i did it! Best birthday present ever!!!
Thank you for the amazing birthday wishes… wow. I had an incredible day. One year ago my world was a heck of a mess. I had one goal….. Survive. I did that and then some. God gave me so much more then to “just survive.” I am so incredibly blessed. Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around it! This was a very happy birthday. I could not have asked for a better day. Thank you!
While running this morning I was praying for my children. I could see my daughter in the reflection of the window working out on an elliptical behind me. I was asking God for the right wisdom and words to help Teal during this difficult time. This song came on my Pandora station. I don’t even think it is a new song but it is the first time I have ever heard it. My prayers aren’t always answered quite so in my face obvious as this. Running and trying not to cry in public are not a good mix. But I think this song inspired me enough that I did finish my fastest run to date. This song says it Teal…. It’s love!!! And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, Love. But the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 A little over a year ago I made a commitment to follow this bible verse through and through. Teal and I even put a decal of this exact verse on my bedroom wall.
Went through old pictures today to work on a senior project for my daughter. Bitter sweet…. lots of good memories. Really good friends in those pictures. Family I miss dearly in those pictures. Both friends and family I thought would be in my life forever. Grief sucks, and it has many many stages. I still have family pictures on the wall I just can’t seem to take down. Some days it is just too much to take in. But I know I am going to be okay now. And some days I am just overjoyed by all my blessings despite all the losses. I truly am spoiled. Need a good night sleep, some time with my heavenly father, and a good run in the morning. Plan on facing my Monday morning filled with JOY!!!!
This mornings reading was about attitude and joy. I have always had a saying “attitude is everything.” For a year or so I got away from it though. I would say it once in a while but I wouldn’t let it affect me like it always had before. Through the events of this last year the kids and I say it and live it again. Joy is free. We have a choice to use it even in the storms of our lives. Optimism is a learned behavior. Its a deep, abiding faith that God is good and he really will work out his best for us no matter what. Joy. The farther away we get from who God intended us to be, the weaker and more disconnected we feel. But God is patient, faithful, and loves us. So let’s jump back on the joy train. Let’s enjoy that free gift even in our tsunami!
It all comes back to love. And love always begins with receiving first. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4: 19). You don’t have to try harder, do more, get better. You only need to receive God’s love and then respond. That’s success. That’s Joy