It has been a busy month. I have had so many conversations with our Lord, so much love, so many blessings…. yet every time I have sat down to type it out, my mind has literally gone blank. One thing I promised myself early on was if I had nothing to say from God, no message to give, I would not share. This gift of writing, is not mine without him.
In the last month I have studied my butt off and passed my CNOR (certified nurse of the operating room). A challenge I gave myself over a year ago but promised to finish prior to the end of 2016. I barely made it but I did and I finished my two step process of getting my bachelor’s then my CNOR. Next up I think I will get my CPN (Certified Pediatric Nurse).
Tomorrow the kids and I are moving into a new place. It’s our final big change of 2016. We have had so many changes this year. All of which have brought us closer to each other, closer to our heavenly father, and closer to healing. I look at my little family now, two dogs, 1 cat, a boy, a girl, and I…. blessings. So many blessings in this little family.
Tonight my daughter received a message from her dad. She didn’t want to respond. I encouraged it rather heavily. I felt that I was going to be very pissed at him for not contacting his kids on Christmas (He didn’t on Thanksgiving, they actually haven’t heard from him in months.) then I should be equally pissed at her for not responding. It’s hard to be that parent that messages and messages your kid you miss and hear nothing in return. And honestly, it speaks poorly on the child, or the situation which in this case, would speak poorly in her. So she responded with a pointed messages saying Thank You but letting him know why she really was shocked he contacted her and why she is still very hurt by him and why she really needs him to leave her alone. His response…. “what are your grades? How is school?” Well isn’t that a Merry Christmas to his daughter that he has chosen to quit contacting! Tears and pain later, I wondered why I encouraged her to respond. Why I continue to put their feelings on the back burner when it comes to him. A big slap in my face, that I have a long ways to go on this guilt train and the need to constantly push my kids to be the bigger person when their own dad continues to devastate them.
I had such an amazing Christmas. The focus wasn’t on gifts, but on family. Their was laughter, stories, and so much love. There wasn’t yelling, grief, or going overboard for perfection or impressing anyone. There was just us. I won’t let him, and his lifestyle choices affect me or my children. And so, the best way I can do the latter is live an example of Jesus for them. Forgiveness…
Last night at church I felt so much peace feeling the love of Mary for her own child. Talk about the reality of unending love and sacrifice. I miss two of my kids like crazy. And sometimes I just hate Mingo for doing to me what she has. I may actually have very cruel dreams of her lonely years ahead with her family all divided while full circle hits her. But then I wake up feeling bad for her. Nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to live this story I live. And I decide again to live the life of grace. I choose to demonstrate Jesus’s love in my own painful story, and show my children the right way. To break the cycle. Then last night, I hear the whispers of Mary’s life. And the sacrifices she took as a mother for all of mankind…. That is love. And that is a story carried on to all of us year after year. Digging deeper in Mary’s life I find the real reason for the season. And I am thankful for the real reason of the season. So as much as I hate where I am, I love where I am. I’m given a rare and beautiful opportunity to show love when everything worldly says not too. 🙂